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Necessary Qualities of My Future Spouse

April 1, 2012

In many families, churches, small groups, etc., young Christian women are encouraged to pray about their future spouses.* Many of them go the extra mile and write out a list of qualities they want in their future spouse, ostensibly so that they know him when they meet him.

I have heard of people who marry a person who meets every item on the list. Then again, I also had a professor in college who encouraged us to make such a list and then to throw it out and keep an open mind. Fair enough.

Recently struck by inspiration, I decided that I shouldn’t keep my list to myself.

Instead, I’m posting it on my blog in case men who come across it want to check the list to see if they measure up.

And so, I bring you …

The Necessary Qualities of My Future Spouse

1.  His own personal band of bagpipers who travel everywhere he goes to announce/warn of his arrival (kilt optional but encouraged)

2.  The wherewithal to keep me in whiskey and gin for the rest of my life

3.  Willingness to visit every single historical site/building/museum in every town we visit

4.  Tall (6’2″ to be exact), dark, and handsome, with a large nose. Eye color negotiable.

5.  Listen to me read aloud from my brilliant manuscripts-in-progress for hours on end without complaint

6.  Will never, ever make me go see romantic comedies with him, unless it is to engage in MST3K style mockery

7.  Willingness to dress as a pirate, the Phantom of the Opera, or Thomas Jefferson for our elopement to Las Vegas

8.  Preferably a business owner who does not hesitate to beat the living shit out of his employees for violating work-safety rules

9.  If not # 8, then a genius, sarcastic doctor with a three-day beard and a distaste for ordinary procedure

10.  He has a really, really sexy BFF. For … reasons.

11.  Will take me on a cruise for our honeymoon, and by “cruise” I mean “on a frigate, to the West Indies”

12.  Must enjoy watching silent films from the 1920s

13.  Would jump in front of a speeding bullet, car, or vampire for me.

14.  Would not report me to the authorities in case of a social/political revolution

15.  Able to compose entire operas

16. Does not sparkle

17.  Will sing epic show tune duets with me, employing appropriate dramatic flair

18.  Will take me on a long holiday to London, and once there will join me on a Jack the Ripper tour

19.  Back in the U.S., will go as either Sherlock Holmes or Jack the Ripper for Halloween when I go as a Victorian prostitute

20.  Is deep, mysterious, brooding, and intensely creepy

So that’s that! Nothing left to do but sit back and watch the fellas line up.

.    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .

*What do you mean “What if there is no future spouse?” Don’t you know that if you don’t marry and have a bajillion kids, you fail as a Christian woman? Are you a heathen???

12 Comments leave one →
  1. Terpsichore permalink
    April 1, 2012 11:07 pm

    Oh my gosh. Your future spouse looks a heckuva lot like my future spouse….1-5, 16, and 17 especially….

    14 makes me snigger.

  2. April 1, 2012 11:17 pm

    Emily this is why I love you!! Once you find this guy, tell his bff I’m probably interested.

    • April 2, 2012 11:20 am

      Trust me: if I find him, I WILL let you know. And I’ll tell his BFF. ;-)

      • April 2, 2012 12:01 pm

        Also, my list isn’t quite as precise, but I will do the same for you should my guy with the ability to speak the language of Cthulhu and find his way to Tortuga with a compass that doesn’t point North comes along.

  3. April 1, 2012 11:22 pm

    Not sure how you find a man like this, but regardless… Love it!

  4. berlinola permalink
    April 2, 2012 10:19 am

    Wowza, friend. This list is amazing. I think you should submit it to church newsletters. Number 1 is my fave.

    • April 2, 2012 10:30 am

      Numbers 1, 16, and 17 seem to be the crowd favorites.

      • berlinola permalink
        April 2, 2012 10:40 am

        I can see why. I mean, I think women will be re-writing their “lists” to include these. Also, I want a man who will jump in front of a speeding vampire. In other news, you rock. Thanks for a Monday smile.

      • April 2, 2012 11:20 am

        “Speeding vampire” is pretty much my favorite phrase now.

  5. April 2, 2012 2:23 pm

    And his eyes shall be…what color it please God! A lovely list. Also, I like your asterisk note. I’m not one of those “pray for the future spouse” sorts of people, because it proves a more frustrating exercise than a helpful one to me. But I do occasionally send off the odd prayer of, “Hey, if he’s out there and as frustrated (on occasion) as me, don’t let him go off his rocker, ‘kay?”

    • April 2, 2012 4:07 pm

      Ha! I like that prayer. I may have to use it myself when it comes to mind.


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